Tag Archives: healing

It had to be you

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When I was twenty-one I took a three-month trip, and when I came home I was surprised by a couple of things:  First, how much the children in our church had grown, and second that life went on without me when I was gone and I wasn’t really missed.  I have been thinking a lot about my life lately (especially how quickly it’s passing by), knowing that God is really up to something all around the world, and wondering if He would use me in His plans.  This morning I was contemplating my trip to California next week.  I am going to attend a women’s conference because when I read about it I got excited and felt a “Go!”  It spoke about the mantles of some of my heroes of the faith (Maria Woodworth-Etter, Aimee Semple-McPherson, and Kathryn Kuhlman to name a few).

I’ve always had this dream to be like them, especially Kathryn Kuhlman, who walked so closely with Holy Spirit.  Whether I ever “did the stuff” or whatever that may look like was not something I thought much about because what matters to me is closeness to Him.  When you are in love you will do whatever He asks.  I’ve had a yearning to know Him, to hear His voice, and have been chasing Him for years (even though He is always with me, lol).  Jesus’ words from almost six years ago, “I will come to you” still ring in my ears, one of the handful of times I’ve heard His voice so clearly that I felt as if He was right beside me.

I’m on Doug Addison’s daily prophetic word email list.  Yesterday’s was to ask God to confirm things that you have been asking for.  I have been asking to see.  I want to see in the spirit, so all day I was asking for confirmation.  I didn’t see anything through the day but hoped for a dream when I went to bed.  Well, if I dreamed I don’t remember, but I wasn’t discouraged or disappointed.  Perhaps my trust is coming into a maturity, but I am learning to rest and not strive.  He is at work in me, and that is what matters.  That said, as I was eating my breakfast I was contemplating the conference next week and wondering what God has for me there.  I know it is going to be an adventure.  I thought about my life and found myself questioning (again, because I do it often) what my destiny is, whether I was just dreaming or if those prophetic words really were true.  Had He really chosen me to walk in signs and wonders?  Right then a song began to play.

I knew the tune and the title but not the rest of the words, so I Googled it and listened as Harry Connick Jr. sang a song that went straight to my heart.  Holy Spirit spoke as He often does through music.  Oh, how I love Him!  By the way, today’s word is:  New strength, healing and wholeness is going to start flowing like a river.  I receive that!

He is enough

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It was good to get away to Vermont for a week.  We had a great time of skiing with our snowboarding son.  I fell on Thursday and my ski didn’t come off so I wrenched my knee a bit and that was actually a good thing because Kevin and Matt got to hit the slopes without me on Friday (meaning they got to take a lot of black diamond runs, the ones I don’t do, lol).  I dropped them off at Okemo and went into town to pass the time.  The first stop was at “Sweet Surrender” (I liked the name :), a great little bakery on the main drag.  I struck up a conversation with a local artist who came in, and before I left she let me pray for her, which was cool.  Typing this reminds me that I need to send her a link to Kayle Mumby’s story (I was telling her about the owl landing on his head, lol).  Hopefully I can find it on YouTube or something.

One night last week the Lord woke me up to text my friend in Alaska.  I knew she was planning on booking tickets for a visit, and it turns out she was trying to do just that but needed some info.  He is faithful!  This trip will be the same week that my husband is skiing in Colorado with her husband.  I am so looking forward to this new adventure and I can’t wait to see her!  She is planning things to do already, and I am sure we’ll pack a lot into the week we are together.  I am praying “Do it again, Lord!” with respect to the Northern Lights.  He put on quite a show for me the last time I was there!  I was talking to Kevin about it when he woke up the next morning and said something about calling a friend to see if she would take me to the airport and within five or ten minutes that friend (who I don’t hear from often) texted me.  I love when God does that, confirms something in these “little” ways.  Oh, and I took a “random” picture of the mountain and sky on Thursday and when I got back to our place and looked at it, there in the sky is a lion roaring!  He is so for me it’s crazy :)

Speaking of God, He gave me a dream yesterday morning.  I was having all sorts of weird dreams, but among them was one of His.  I didn’t remember it actually because I’d had so many and they all faded when I woke up.  Anyway, Kevin and I were still in bed talking about the previous week when I made a comment to him about the fact that I didn’t think a particular person was “the cat’s meow.” At that moment God brought the dream back like a “whoosh.”  Here it is:  I went to pet a cat and it bit me in the right wrist.  I grabbed it by the back of its neck and pulled it off, held it in the air and I think I cast a demon out of it or said something and then declared that it would never bite me again and threw it down.  People wanted to put a bandage on my wound but I said not to cover it up until an antibiotic was applied or it would just fester.  I looked up the meanings of cat (domestic) and it said “Vicious attack” and “witchcraft” and wrist said “Relationship, particularly within the body of Christ.”  As it was the right wrist I looked up right and there were many meanings (actually there were for all of them but I gave what jumped out at me, which were the first ones listed).  Anyway “right” stands for strength, faith, spirit, blessed, or righteous direction.

What happened recently was definitely an attack on my relationship with Mary.  Sadly, the enemy succeeded in bringing separation.  I think of that verse that “a perverse man spreads strife, and a slanderer separates intimate friends.”  God has been revealing to me a little bit more every day about how this went down.  Does it grieve me?  Yes, more than I can say, especially because I was so open and vulnerable to the very ones who turned and bit me.  But it was a Holy Spirit setup, complete with an uncommon amount of peace going into it.  He confirmed His presence as it was going down, and continues to in many ways.  He “sent a train” and it’ll take some time to sort through the wreckage, but He is in this for my good (and Mary’s as well I am sure).  I pray for her and Rich every day.

Mary told me a story once about going through a crisis and how her son sang over her as she cried.  I was feeling sorry for myself a few days ago that there I had been, hundreds of miles from home, going through my own crisis and had no one to sing over me.  The Lord woke me at 3:17 the next morning and you know what’s coming, lol.  Zephaniah 3:17:  “The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.  He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”  I know the rebuke, but He chastens those He loves.  It is never pleasant, but the “peaceable fruit of righteousness” is so worth it.

This morning I awoke at 2:55.  Psalm 25:5, “Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.”  My soul hopes in the Lord.  Time to go spend time in His presence and let Him apply the balm of Gilead to that wound.  He is my healer, and He is enough.

New Shoes

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Every girl loves new shoes (probably every boy, too, for that matter).  Last night before I went to bed I read a post on Facebook by a prophetic friend:

I hear Him speaking of shoes… He says that you’ve come as far as you can in the boots that you’ve been walking in for some time now. He said to enjoy a moment of rest and reflection because he is getting ready to give you new shoes in order to be able to successfully handle and navigate the new terrain that He is taking you to and through.

It’s time to let go of the old and put on the new, beloved ones. He has called you beyond where you have tread in the past several years.

It’s upgrade time… be assured that when you put on the new shoes, you will be amazed to be able to briefly look back and see just how far He has brought you… indeed, you will be more than ready to move forward on the new ground that He has prepared you for

I read this right before I went to bed, so it was the last thing on my mind.  I remember wondering if I would be getting new shoes and even asking for a pair.  I thought perhaps I might have a dream or something, and though I did dream, I don’t remember any of them.  Then I got up this morning and jumped barefoot into my day as Kevin got ready for work.

Before he left, we got into a minor argument.  It didn’t last long because as he does on Tuesdays and Thursdays, he left to do a prayer walk with a Christian brother up the street.  After he left, the Lord went to work on my heart. I realized what had happened, why it had happened, and was able to understand what needed to change.  The “old program” that had turned on got written over, and when Kevin came back I was able to talk with him and agree with him on some things and even go on to explain why I said what I said, how part of that was actually me trying to protect my heart, and that I appreciated his letting me express my feelings (right, wrong, or otherwise).

We all have “guardians” in our hearts (well, most of us do).  This happens because when we are young bad things happen and we “separate out” to deal with the pain and trauma.  It is our way of surviving and I honestly believe that is completely normal and okay!  But we aren’t to stay that way.  God wants us to be whole!  I have been telling the Lord for a long time that I want to worship Him with my whole heart.  For my heart to be whole, my “parts” have to come back together.  Recognizing the voice of my guardians has been huge.

In the past when thoughts would come and beat me up after I did something I always thought it was the enemy.  Sometimes it is, but I have come to realize that it is probably a guardian who is trying to shut me up, to keep me from talking, because so often in my life when I talked bad things happened.  Because of my insecurity I would frequently say or do things to cover up my embarrassment and actually make it worse, lol.  To this day most of my memories involve my saying or doing something stupid.  (Of note here is the fact that that curse, “You’re stupid” was spoken over me for years.)  Anyway it is as if I have a guardian who is in charge of my memory.  She only brings things back which will remind me of mistakes I’ve made so I don’t make them again and go through any more pain.  She does this in an attempt to keep me silent and not take any chances, to protect my heart, and she’s done a good job of it.

I tell her now that she can rest, that she doesn’t have to do that anymore because Jesus is my protector.  I thank her for her hard work all these years and encourage her to come back and join the rest of us (sounds crazy, I know, but it’s what I do!).  It is a process, one I have to practice over and over, but the journey into wholeness is good journey and one we all need to be on if we want to find true peace and rest.  I’ve lived with the fake kind long enough and wore those shoes out.  I like this new pair, they’re really comfortable :)

Two dates and a dash

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I read a quote recently that I’ve been mulling over: “Life consists of two dates and a dash.  Make the most of the dash.”  With all that’s been going on with my dad I’ve been thinking more about death and just how short this life really is.  I truly believe he has been granted more time for a very specific reason not just in his life but in the whole family’s.  That and the fact that I’ve said for years I wish I could spend more time with my dad (careful how you pray, answers can come in unusual ways!).  So I’ve determined to make the most of the time left with “dad’s dash” (assuming of course that his ends before mine).

It has been an interesting week.  Meetings, hoops to jump through, a visit to the nursing home he’s scheduled to be moved to on Monday (for 20 days at least), calls to attorneys, business to take care of.  Hopefully all will go according to the plan that seems to have worked itself out.  Just in case, though, I am working on making an area in our basement for him to stay if he needs that (though I’m hoping he doesn’t).  The situation has been complicated because my stepmother did in fact file for a divorce.  The folks at the rehab hospital and the nursing home were scratching their heads over that one, but it is what it is.  My brothers and I will get a Power of Attorney and work together to figure out a solution.

All that aside, he continues to improve, though short-term memory still seems to be affected, as well as some decision-making and judgment issues which means he can’t be left alone.  I had a couple of days midweek where wave after wave of sadness just kept washing over me, and I had to fight thoughts of resentment toward my stepmother.  They only lead to bitterness and bondage and I’m not going there.  I understand why she filed, and there is still hope that he will get completely better and be able to move back.  Time will tell (it always does).

This afternoon I got to spend a bit of time at the nursing home.  I’m somewhat concerned for one of the ladies I visit.  Evidently she’d had some back pain and they gave her a med that completely knocked her out.  I had to help her eat her lunch (which she ate very little of) and then she just kind of laid back down into bed and fell asleep.  I haven’t been feeling as if I have much faith for anything this week so I whispered a sort of halfhearted prayer over her from the half of my heart that had faith.  As I walked down the hallway I felt as if I should have prayed with more authority so I went back and prayed for her as she slept, a very short prayer commanding the pain to go and then speaking peace over her.  The corners of her mouth came up when I said that.  I don’t think she heard me (I wasn’t praying loudly).  I’d like to believe she actually felt that peace and pray she did.

I then got to pray for another resident and reached out to the lady I tried to engage a week or so ago who’s more “with it” than most (aside from walking with a cane).  She was sitting in the chapel, lights off, just kind of staring out the window.  I asked if she’d like to go for a walk and she immediately brightened.  After getting permission, we were finally able to go out, and we had a nice time chatting while we walked.  She’s my mom’s age but looks younger and has an interesting (if not a tad bizarre) story.  She’s definitely had life give her some lemons; I would like to help her make lemonade out of them!   That’ll have to wait though.  I have to go back to working on the basement.

I don’t have the answers

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I wish I did.  I wish I knew the best way to deal with a person with dementia who has gone from sweet and appreciative of everything you do for her to hating your guts and attacking you, both verbally and physically.  I’d like to say I don’t take it personally, and I don’t.  After all, she is doing it to everyone.  Still, when I got out to my car I had to fight back tears.  In fact, I’m still fighting them back even writing this.  My heart aches for her.

Then there’s the elderly couple I’ve been visiting.  He had pain tonight and when he said it moved I thought, “Aha!  Gotcha!”  Having been trained that that is the sign of an afflicting spirit, I went after it.  But it didn’t go away.  It kept moving.  I prayed some more.  At one point he said his leg kind of went numb or felt as if it had “cool water running through it.”  I thought maybe that was a good thing.  Then someone came to give him a bath so I left.  I am praying is having a better evening.

I am reminding myself of what I typed yesterday about speaking life, so I will not “go negative” despite the voices that keep trying to tell me I don’t have what it takes to “do the stuff.”    I have Jesus, and Jesus is always enough.  That said, I don’t pretend to know the reasons why some prayers seem to be more effectual, though I’m sure the problem is not on His end :)

Tomorrow the plan is to stop by and visit another resident at a local hospital then head down to see my own father.  Later I’m driving to mom’s to go with her to a Bible study.  There’s someone there who is having heart trouble and I want to pray for him.  Have some homework to do first, so I’ll sign off.

When I see His voice

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It has been a busy week.  I will be heading down soon to visit my father and spend the morning with him.  He’s had a couple of setbacks, which is normal when you brain is trying to filter through the “mush” of a stroke.  But first, I had to share what just happened.

I had just gotten up from the sofa and time with God, reading through a book about the law of confession and how powerful our words are.  I realize that I have not been as careful with my words as I need to be.  “Vain words” are when we say things like, “I’m dying to go there,” which is kind of odd now that I think about it.  Dying?  Why not just say, “I’d really like to go there”?  Such a small thing.  Or is it?  And what about the confessions of negativity.  One I know I’m guilty of confessing is that I don’t hear from God like some people do.  Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?  My confession or the hearing?  The fact is I do hear from God, though sometimes my hearing is seeing.  I want to be growing in intimacy with Him, so to say “I don’t hear” is to tell my spirit that, well, I don’t!

I have a friend on Facebook whose posts seem to always resonate with me.  One I read this morning was as follows:

I love how God speaks His extraordinary through the ordinary in our lives… don’t discount those little touches, those little nudges that you know have come from Him, beloved ones.

He can use anything to speak to you… embrace Him when it’s Him speaking ~ through whatever means He uses. He will sometimes catch you ‘unaware’ and in those exact moments, you often find that you needed a touch of His love or direction.

He is a God who loves to fellowship with you ~ He loves you beyond measure. He speaks to you and He does so, without fail. The more you spend time with Him, the more you will recognize His voice.

I have always paid attention to little things, and am working on improving my “hearing.”  For the past couple of weeks I have been taking communion in the morning.  They say it takes 21 days to establish a habit, and I’m working on establishing this one.  It’s a good one to have.  So as I was standing at my sink with the bread in hand, thanking Him for his body, confessing that by His stripes I am healed right now, realizing my words are agreeing with His blood up in the heavenly courtroom, I told the Lord basically that from now on I am going to use my words to build up, edify, and encourage myself and others, that they would bring life or I would not speak them.  I thanked Him for his body and ate the bread and at that exact moment a pileated woodpecker flew right outside my window and landed on a tree trunk in the neighbor’s yard.

Pileated woodpeckers (picture Woody Woodpecker) are beautiful but elusive, and I don’t see them often.  Twenty or thirty years ago I was discouraged about something.  I remember going out to my car (it was a Sunday morning and I was at church) and I don’t even remember why I was so distraught, but I asked God please to let me know that He heard me.  My prayer went something like, “Would you please let me see a pileated woodpecker?”  Don’t ask me why I chose to see something, let alone why a bird and not a deer or a turtle or a heart-shaped cloud or something, it just kind of popped in my head (there’s a clue, lol).  Well, I didn’t see one and that made me even sadder.  Soon church was over and my husband decided to drive home a different way, one which was longer.  I remember wishing he hadn’t because I just wanted to get home.  But on that other road we got to a point and guess what flew across the road?  :)

I love these “little things”, like when I “see His voice” or “feel His words.”  They are all ways of hearing, and I do hear Him.  Open the eyes of my heart, Lord, I want to see (more of) You!

Sometimes I get stuck…

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…just trying to come up with a name for the post!  I can literally sit in front of the computer for a half hour or more searching for the right springboard until I’ve run out of time and have nothing to show for it.  I suppose it doesn’t help that I’m tired.  I could wait until tomorrow when I’m fresh, but I’m not a huge fan of procrastination.  Besides, I think I said that a couple of days ago and you can see where that got me, lol.

It’s not surprising that coming down off a high like VOP I’d hit a couple of bumps.  As often occurs it’s an issue (usually something small) that comes out of left field and catches me by surprise.  This time it was my starting a project while Kevin was away thinking it would be a blessing and instead he said it felt as if I’d piled another burden on him.  ~sigh~  Sometimes you can do ten things right but that one thing you do wrong wipes out everything else.  My impulsiveness can get in trouble, even when my heart is in the right place.

I’ve been spending more time at the nursing home and have to confess to getting a bit frustrated.  Yesterday a young friend came by for a visit and we talked and it seemed we were both kind of in the same place.  You know, that one where you contend and contend and contend for something but nothing seems to change?  That one.  Both of us would like to see more healing when we pray for the sick.  So as we’re talking I get a text from someone at the nursing home asking if I had time to come visit a resident who is very discouraged.  I asked my young friend if she was game, reminding her that Jesus sent the disciples out two by two.  She said yes and off we went.

I love hanging with people who are sensitive to the presence of the Holy Spirit.  The “amens” they get (in various forms) will often let me know when something is happening that I can’t see, and it builds my faith, which I believe makes my prayers more effectual.  It’s a win-win for everyone!  We prayed for one resident and as we left the room my friend said, “I don’t know if it’s okay to say it [to the resident] but I saw angels in the room.”  The next person we visited had Alzheimers, and we went into an extended period of prayer for her.  She’d had a pain in the back of her head, and so I started to pray for her and my friend was bearing witness that something was happening, and sure enough when I was done and asked how she felt she said, “I feel good!”  Pain gone in Jesus’ name :)  Yay God!  Then we went after the Alzheimers.  I’d brought along a book from the Healing Rooms in Seattle and followed that.  It was pretty intense.  At one point I asked if there was anyone she needed to forgive and she said no she’d forgiven everyone.  Then I asked, “But have you forgiven yourself?”  And she got teary and said no!  She immediately forgave herself and prayer continued and at one point my friend is getting hit pretty hard and I am praying with my eyes open and saw that the resident was getting touched as well.  That was a first.

There were other residents we visited and prayed for, and we both said we’d like to do it again.  I was surprised at the difference it made having someone there to partner and agree in prayer with.  Doesn’t mean I won’t continue to pray for people when I go in by myself, but there is power in agreement!  “Again I say unto you, that if two of you shall agree on earth concerning anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in Heaven.”  I take “anything” to mean just that.

That said, I did go to the nursing home today.  The resident we spent a long time praying for yesterday was there, and smiling more than usual.  She recognized me but didn’t remember my name.  She remembered my friend who was with me, and said what a sweet smile she’d had.  I take those things as improvement and will continue to contend.  I would love to see her walk out of there :)

That was yesterday.  This morning I woke up at 3:57.  Wide awake.  So of course I got up and Googled it.  First I Googled 35:7 and up came Genesis 35:7, “There he built an altar, and he called the place El Bethel, because it was there that God revealed himself to him….”  I liked the revealed-himself-to-him part (but then I would).  I kind of did it backwards, but next I Googled 3:57 and found a passage in Lamentations:  “You came near when I called you, and you said, ‘Do not fear.'”  Have I mentioned lately that I have been reminding Jesus of His promise (made five years ago) when I literally heard Him say, “I will come to you”?  Well, these verses made me happy.  And methinks I shall need the “Do not fear” part.  Anyway I fell back asleep on the sofa and awoke to an old praise song:  “The greatest thing in all my life is knowing You” (loving You/serving You).  I drifted off to sleep again and woke up this time hearing a name, “Kayle Mumby.”  So I prayed for him.  Don’t know what’s up with that, but that was a first, and I like firsts.