Two years

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Tonight I’m planning on going to the GSSM graduation.  I haven’t been there as much this year and because of that I don’t know most of those graduating, but there are a few I have had the privilege of walking beside these last few years, and I am looking forward to honoring them and their accomplishment.  I realized today that it’s been two years since I graduated.  Two years!  The years sure know how to fly.

I had a dream a couple of days ago.  In it a blimp was being launched.  I noticed as it went up that a woman was attached to one of the tethers.  At one point she was afraid it would come off so she reached up and grabbed the rope with her hands.  In the meantime me or someone radioed the blimp and it came back and lowered her to the ground so she could get off.  As it’s taking off again she swings the tether free of a tree (to keep it from getting tangled in the branches) and then it comes around and instead gets caught in three electrical wires.  I grab the tether and try to tear it loose but I can’t, so I yell to a man standing there to get a knife.  End of dream.  This morning I had another dream, this time where an eagle landed on my head, grabbed it, and flew off with me.  It kind of reminded me of Kayle Mumby’s owl story where the owl landed on his head (though that really happened!).

Anyway I had the sense in the first dream that I was both watching and participating, that that was me attached to the blimp, that was me trying to keep the tether free, and then trying to free it again.  Interestingly enough I went to bed the night before discouraged because of something I posted in a forum.  It wasn’t a bad thing, but I thought in hindsight how stupid it must have looked and felt kind of embarrassed.  I tend to be kind of impulsive and that’s not all bad, but I should have recognized that I needed to let what I typed marinate before I hit “post.”  I think (now that I’m licensed, especially) that I should be careful what I do and say because in a way I represent Global now.  But shouldn’t I already be careful because I represent Jesus?  And I am, but I start “shoulding” on myself about how I should behave in front of people and how I should stop trying to be funny.  ~Sigh~  So the realization that I still have some fear of man in me and/or wanting to be accepted is what I went to bed with that night, and I was pretty sad.  In the morning I was praying (and crying, as usual) and just basically asking God to do something.  And then the phone rang.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  There are people God puts in your life who He prompts to call or write or speak a word at just the right time, and Laurie is one of those.  I shared my dream and my frustration with myself over this stupid little thing, and she made sense of it.  She reminded me that dreams are like pictures of what He wants to do in and through us and that He is faithful to keep us from stepping out if we’re carrying things that will sabotage where we’re going.  That said, it is miserable when you realize your heart is ready but there’s this stupid little thing you can’t seem to shake, the thing that’s holding you down, so to speak.  He knows my desire to be completely submitted/committed to Him.  He also knows I have an active, get-it-done personality and that’s part of God’s plan for the type of person I am.  I mean, He determined my personality!  She went on to say, “I have to think that even that part that you feel like you’re struggling with is part of His equipping to accomplish the particular plan He has for your life.”  That said, most people probably have one or more things in their life that they wonder, “Why can’t I get over this?!”  Aren’t you glad He doesn’t let us “get over it” until we get rid of the stupid little things?

He is on my side and I belong to Him.  The dream was like Him saying, “We’re almost there, there’s just a little more work to do.”  But sometimes (most times, actually) that work is painful, and an aversion to pain is one reason people don’t pursue the Lord all the way to that place of death to self.  Somewhere along the way they say, “I’m pretty comfortable in this spot and I’m not willing to endure any more pain.”  Being broken is painful.  Or is it the realization of just how broken I am?  Probably some of both.

So I will focus on the blimp that is free and flying, the promises He’s given, the prophecies that have yet to be fulfilled.  I will hold that out like the joy before me and remind myself that brokenness is part of the journey to be in the place I’ve asked God to take me.  I trust Him.  He’s a good, good Father, and He knows what He’s doing and will bring this work to completion!  It feels good to rest again :)

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