A lot has been happening, but when I sit down to write about it I just can’t seem to ever get started, so I decided to just start typing and see what comes out. Guess I should bring you up to speed.
I got sick on July 4, awoke with a very bad headache and started throwing up. Usually when that happens I will go back to bed, fall asleep and when I wake up have a new lease on life, but not this time. I couldn’t even keep ice chips down. For nearly ten hours I talked to Ralph on the big white phone. I kept my phone with me and at one point texted my husband (who was working outside) “Help” because I was too weak to get off the bathroom floor. I haven’t been that sick in a long time. By evening I was better, though weak for a couple of days.
During the worst of it I tried to get comfortable in bed (or on the floor by the commode) and cried out to God a lot. I don’t pretend to know whether the illness was a bug, from the migraine, or a spiritual attack, but I do know that sickness isn’t from God (meaning He doesn’t give it to us, though He is sovereign). I thought about Job and how awful it must have been to live with that pain. In the throes of its grip, it’s hard to think straight. I remember repeating, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” in between other thoughts and prayers. When I was finally able to crawl out of bed later and sit on the sofa and think about God. I thought I heard 27:7, Psalms, so I looked it up. “Hear me as I pray, O Lord, be merciful and answer me!” That got my attention because I had been crying for mercy all day. The next verse made me smile. It’s a very familiar verse but I hadn’t read it in this version before: “My heart has heard you say, ‘Come and talk with me.’ And my heart responds, ‘Lord, I am coming.'”
What does talking with God look like? Some would say journaling (I’ve had limited success with that), others use contemplative prayer (still working on quieting my mind–and I might add dropping FB has helped with that). In the end I am finding (as with so many other things) that we are all different and God speaks to us in different ways. With me it’s often in the half-awake and dreams, and yes, I am even learning to hear better when I’m fully conscious (it helps to ask God a lot of questions through the day). I really want to improve in this area because I’m trying to figure out “the next thing.”
A couple of days ago I came across a book called “Almost Amish.” The title and the premise of the book grabbed my attention and got me thinking about the fact that I could have been Amish (my grandfather had been). I got to dreaming about some type of short documentary about what life would look like for me to “go Amish” for a couple of weeks and wouldn’t that be something interesting to share instead of all the Amish Mafia and other garbage that’s circulated about these precious people. Is this a God thing or just my mind going off on a creative tangent? (Believe me, I have a TON of those lately.) What am I supposed to be doing?
That question is telling. As you can see, I am still in “do mode” ~sigh~. I shouldn’t be doing until I have truly learned to be. But learning to be is something you do, too. To be is to do. To do is to be. Dobedobedo, lol. Think I’ll go watch my garden grow….