To Be


I’m going to try to post more frequently than once or twice a month because I know if I don’t things won’t get recorded, and this blog serves more like a diary than anything.  I often go back and read things that I would probably never remember were it not for their being stored here.  So (that said), yesterday was interesting.  After school a student and I met for prayer.  I’d recently attended a Heart Sync conference and she actually had some training in it, so the meeting was at my request.  I haven’t blogged on that and probably should, but for now let’s just say it’s a step above theophostic ministry.

It took some time to get there, but God took me back to a painful memory in 4th grade.  New school, a lot of fear, so much in fact that I was afraid to ask where the bathrooms were.  So there I stood in the library, crying and shaking as I could (literally) not hold my fear in any longer.  To say I was embarrassed was an understatement.  Hard enough trying to make friends.  Who would want to be your friend after that?  It should come as no surprise that I have next to no memories from that year.

Probably most children have something like this happen to them at one time or another.  Anyway, in the memory I saw Jesus come as the janitor and clean things up (He’s always cleaning up my messes!).  I didn’t hear anything (I rarely do), but then I saw a big black dragon rear up and it kind of messed with me…until Jesus took a pin and popped it.  (Satan’s full of hot air you know.)  That wasn’t something I was expecting.  Neither was His walking over to a bookshelf and pulling off a book titled “To Be or Not To Be.”  Hmmm, I had the distinct impression that was the question and I had a decision to make.

So when I got home I Googled the Hamlet quote and read it.  Wasn’t sure what to make of it.  Talked with Kevin about it when we went to bed and shared that my “safe place” I went to was in his arms, that the closest I felt to God was when I was baptized in the Spirit (in my 20s and didn’t understand what had happened for nearly 30 years) and also when I was crying in bed one night and silently asking God to talk to me, asking Him to speak to me through my husband, to let the next words out of his mouth be His.  Kevin proceeded to roll over and spoon me then and say, “I love you just the way you are.”  That’s where I would go whenever I would get rattled through this process.

So anyway last night I awoke at 1:38 and 5:55.  I Googled 1:38 this morning and the first entry was Luke 1:38, “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered.  “May Your word to me be fulfilled.”  I figured 555 was multiplied grace, but I shared with a friend those two numbers and later in the afternoon found an email from her quoting Isaiah 55:5 (New Living Translation), “You also will command nations you do not know, and peoples unknown to you will come running to obey, because I, the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, have made you glorious.”  Wow.   Just.   Wow.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  Marion Hayes taught about contemplation in the morning and was speaking about quieting your spirit and meditation.  At one point she said something to the effect of, “It is okay to just BE.”  I immediately remembered the book and realized the connection.  And I have one thing to say.  I choose to be :)


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