This is going to be one of those posts where I try to tell you waaay too much because so much has been happening! But I know if I don’t do it now it probably won’t happen (another busy week is on the horizon). So much has happened, I guess I may as well dive right in.
On Tuesday I went to see a lady from Life Center who is part of their healing ministry. It’s been a while since I’ve been there and it was time. I wanted to get to the bottom of some things, like why when I make a mistake I’m so brutal with myself. It didn’t take her long to get to the source, and here’s the Reader’s Digest version: I had made an idol out of shame. She led me through some prayers of confession and repentance, and breakthrough came when she asked Jesus to come and take away the shame. At this point I “saw” Him. He looked like one of the guys in Ghostbusters in Hazmat gear and an attachment that looked like a vacuum cleaner on his back which he flipped on and started sucking it away! How I could be sobbing one minute and full-out laughing the next, well, only He could do that. But in that moment something broke and the idol was smashed. Now whenever the old tape in my brain starts to play or I find more shame (because it’s a process), I just tell Jesus there’s some more and He sucks it up for me. Seriously.
Wednesday I went in to Global and they had my very own computer station set up and ready to go! I have to upload some software, but I was able to start watching tutorials at lynda.com (that’s a great site btw). I watched part of a documentary, and at one point during that I got so overwhelmed with the opportunity that’s been handed to me that I started to cry. I feel as if I’m living the “dream internship” (at least for me it is). There’s nothing I’d rather be doing right now, and I feel like a kid in a candy store :)
Thursday and Friday I went to Baltimore with the first-year students. The weather was horrible, but that didn’t stop us! The team actually stayed until Sunday but I had to come home for a wedding on Saturday. I’m glad I got to go for those two days though. It was like coming full circle. You see, a little over two years ago I went to GSI and we went to Baltimore to do outreach for a day and ministered on the streets in the same area. Back then I was petrified, but this time it felt natural. I have a tendency to look at where I think I should be or want to be in my journey, but this caused me to reflect back and as I did I realized that God really has brought me a long way. Another cool thing was that back then I had wanted to go along when they did ministry in the red light district but there wasn’t room in the vehicle. I was terribly disappointed. This time I got to go and hand out flowers to the prostitutes and pray for people. It was an experience I won’t forget.
Yesterday we went to a wedding. We were running late, and that has always been an issue with me. So on the way down I was trying to figure out why, and I can’t say that I heard God’s voice but somehow He gave me the answer. Somewhere in the past I was shamed for being late and made a vow that I would never be late again. It’s not uncommon for us to make vows when we’ve been hurt or shamed, and we may not even remember making them, but the effect is the same (our bodies remember). I am rarely late and absolutely hate rushing around. Being ten or fifteen minutes early is what I consider being on time! Once I realized that and confessed and broke it, I began to settle down. I mean what’s really the big deal? You can’t always help that you’re late and it’s not the end of the world (though I was treating it like it was). That said, I believe being on time IS important and a way of showing honor and I will continue to set that as my goal.
Later that night Kevin and I got into an argument over something (which is rare). When I went to bed I asked God to give me a dream and He did. Here’s what I remember of it: there were three kittens and I was breastfeeding them (weird, I know). Here’s the interpretation: I was nursing rebellion, had an independent spirit and an unteachable heart. The good news is they were kittens, not cats, so He was showing me that this was the early stages as they were young. I don’t want this to grow up though, so on the way to church I spoke to Kevin and asked for his forgiveness. Harmony and peace restored. God is good!
Looking forward to another great week!