This morning started out like every other school day, but when I got to Global one of the 2nd year students was checking fares online to get to the conference next week in Denver. All 2nd year students were encouraged to attend and be part of the ministry team (consisting of Global and Bethel students), and though most knew about it since the beginning of the school year, I only really heard about it last week. I was disappointed, thinking it was too late to make plans. So when I saw the fare today ($242 RT) and realized I could split hotel costs with other students, I just had make it happen! Part of the decision to go was also because fear-based thoughts were being dropped in my mind (along the lines of “you’re not ready for that yet”). I’m learning to run at my fears, and am convinced that if I waited until I felt ready for challenging things that I would never do them. I believe there’s something important for me out there and that I can’t afford to miss it. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Yesterday I felt as if I was going to be chosen as the prayer person (the one who closes out worship in the morning), but they forgot to draw a name. They forgot to draw a name today as well, but immediately after worship began Jen Dragt came over to me and asked if I’d do it. There was no assigned theme. If there had been, things might have turned out differently. So at 9:20 I was to go and take the mic and pray before the break. Worship starts with Be Lifted High and others followed that talked about wanting more, and I looked around the room and it seemed–to me anyway–that if we really meant what we were singing our worship would look different (my own included).
I thought about Ananias and Sapphira and how they held back a portion of the proceeds from a plot of land and then told the disciples they gave everything. They knew they were holding something back and chose to lie. I wondered what we hold back and we don’t even know it. I’d like to believe I’m not holding anything back, but I’m not so sure. It’s easy to say that we give God everything, but do we? What does that really look like? What are the little foxes that spoil the vine? And while we’re crying out for more of Jesus, is it possible that He’s crying out that He wants more of our hearts? How do we truly empty ourselves? I’m tired of my comfortable “cozy campfire days” and have been praying for a real baptism. All of this and more was running through my mind as I waited for the appropriate time to go forward, and I could feel myself starting to come unglued. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not the most comfortable thing in the world to have happen in front of a room full of people, even if they are fellow students who should understand.
So I went forward and sat on the edge of the stage and took the mic. I don’t remember much about what I prayed, but I ended up sort of melting into tears, and I heard a few others crying as well. Pat came over, sat beside me and hugged me and, well, then I really started to cry. And cry. And cry. Even after I heard the worship leader dismiss everyone on break. I was a strange mix of embarrassed and broken and the next thing I know, a woman I never saw before (one of the speakers for the Eta class) is sitting on the floor in front of me, and she starts prophesying over me and I am undone. I was told later that some of the things I prayed about were in the teaching to the Eta class. God is good.
I think I should just stop wearing makeup to Global. Period. Either that or volunteer for some makeup company to test out their waterproof makeup :)
I’m thankful Kevin said I could attend the conference, though he informed me that he’s borderline “suffering from major P deficiency” already, lol. I’ve got to fill his cup of reallyreally full before I go (in addition to making sure meals, wash, school assignments etc. are all done before Wednesday). Gonna be a very busy weekend methinks, but I’m not complaining. Guess I’d better sign off and get to work! Cya before soon! :)