It’s been an interesting week. God hasn’t wasted any time getting me started on this journey, but then again, why should He? I’ve got a lot of catching up to do! The night of my last post Kevin and I had a rare “heated discussion” and I went to bed pretty upset. At one point he said something to me and I rolled over and, for the first time ever heard myself say what the Holy Spirit had told me through Mary what I was telling myself, i.e., “Don’t feel.” Somehow what I’d subconsciously been saying all my life rose to the surface and it was quite startling to hear it verbalized in my mind. I got a picture of a roller coaster. If you’ve never ridden on the old wooden ones, you used to have be ratcheted up to that first big drop. I sensed that each time I’d told myself those words in the past that I had inched up the incline, and when I actually heard myself say it I’d arrived at the top.
The wild ride started the next day, and I fought to allow myself to feel some things I’d been saying no to, like the fact that I was mad at God. Seriously. Even though I know it’s not His fault, that He has always loved me and was there all along, I was mad. I went through the whole where-were-You thing and remembered one night in particular some years back when I felt so alone that I screamed into a starry summer sky, “WHERE ARE YOU?!!!” and then cried because there was no reply. But the good thing about roller coaster rides is they don’t last long. By the end of the day I’d calmed down and seemed to be back on solid ground. I think my days of stuffing things is over. It’s not as if I was hiding anything from God anyway, it was myself who was being fooled, and I’m not a fan of roller coaster rides so there will be no more ratcheting up of my emotions. That said, I realize I’m not where I need to be, still. It’s a process. I both hate and love that word :)
I’d been considering another fast and had planned to participate in one Will Hart was calling for on Facebook but missed the announcement about the start (because of being away). On Thursday I decided to start one anyway. The Bible is full of examples of people who pray and fast for things, and I’d been wanting to do an extended fast anyway. I know for some they hear very clearly when they are to fast, but as I don’t yet I decided if I wanted to that was good enough. I believe God honors fasts even if He doesn’t call for them. Like Heidi Baker says, “I fast to stay hungry.” I want more of God, and fasting is a good way to keep me focused on that “more.”
I’d spent a few hours in the upper room praying, reading, and listening to music when I decided to take a break. I think it was on the way down that I made the decision to fast again, and as I poured some juice into a cup I said, out loud (and in my most intimidating voice, lol), “I’m comin’ after You God!” I wasn’t expecting a reply but one came immediately on the heels of that thought and made me laugh out loud. Yes, I heard “Luke Skywalker” say, “I’m not afraid!” Hahahahaha! That’s proof enough for me that I’m to be on this fast.
That said, it has its ups and downs. I’m on day five and am going through the initial adjustment period. I had a mild headache today and trouble staying warm (even though it’s 76 degrees in the house, I had to put a jacket on!). The kids came over and we cooked up the chicken I had marinating for five days. I sat at the table with them and drank a smoothie, my nose filled with all the aromas of one of my favorite meals (have I mentioned that fasting makes your sense of smell very acute?). The hunger pains come and go. They usually don’t last long, and when they come I remind my body that I’m hungrier for God and that it will be worth it. It was last year and I am certain it will be again. I have a sense of expectancy, as well I should! School starts tomorrow.
Ah, school, that other journey, lol. Oh, and we settle on the houses tomorrow. That’s going to be another kind of wild ride!