Fearless

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I meant to put up a link before now just in case anyone wanted to tune in to the free live webcast of the Fearless Conference at Global Awakening, but I forgot.  My badness.  It continues tomorrow and Saturday.  Ravi Kandall spoke tonight and it was gooood.  He told a bunch of stories that were incredible, and he ended it with a proclamation (which came from an angel btw, more than once) something to the effect that revival is coming to America, that God is raising up Elijahs and is going to use the older generation.  Earlier in the day I’d been lamenting the fact that I’ve begun this journey so late in life that by the time I “arrive” I’ll be dead, lol.  Most of the people in ministry now have been in it for years and years and it took years and years to grow them to that place.  I was never after a ministry and still am not.  I just want Jesus.  I want to hear his voice the way Ravi does.  I want to be a jumper (you’d have had to have heard his story on that one but trust me, it’s a good thing).  I have been saying yes for months now, but progress seems oh, so slow.

After he spoke Will called the students up for ministry.  I had a woman approach me who had just had an MRI because she has something wrong with her brain.  It’s not been diagnosed yet but her brain cells are dying.  I prayed for her and she didn’t feel anything, and I encouraged her to keep getting people to pray for her, using ye olde splitting wood analogy.  You just keep hitting it and hitting it and hitting it in the same spot and then bam! it cracks open.  Personally I’d like to be the one wielding the “last blow” and have the satisfaction of seeing healing right in front of my face, but that hasn’t happened since Brazil.  Then another woman came for prayer and another classmate and I double teamed her.  Thinking about it on the way home I began to realize that I could have worded things differently, that what I “heard” (though it wasn’t a true negative) could have been “flipped”.  So rather than listen to music on the way home I rode in silence kind of talking to God and being a little rough on myself, knowing He hears me, waiting for answers that haven’t come yet to questions I’ve been asking far too long.  I could feel my emotions going down the wrong path and realized I was at that it-doesn’t-matter-how-I-feel-I-will-never-stop-going-after-You place again.  You know, like when Jesus turned to his disciples and asked if they’d leave Him too and they said, “Where else would we go?”  That’s the I-want-to-give-up-but-I-can’t place.  The I-can’t-do-this-stuff place that all of us are in, including Ravi, because it’s not really us who do it, it’s God.  We’re just the vessels.  I think I’m focusing too much on what I’m not again.  Still haven’t completely gotten the simple fact that it’s not about me.  I know that, but I don’t.

I thought about what it must be like to be Ravi.  The man HEARS from God, I mean REALLY HEARS from God.  God talks to him all the time and tells him stuff.  At the beginning of his talk tonight he mentioned two names, I’m sure ones that God gave him for a specific reason (probably for a prophetic word or something).  No one raised their hands or anything and he said perhaps they’re coming tomorrow.  I bet there wasn’t a person in there who wasn’t holding their breath wishing Ravi’d gotten their name.  I know I was.  And then I got to thinking how I’m always wanting to receive and what Rodney Hogue has been teaching at class about children, young men, and fathers.  Yep, definitely a child again.  That didn’t help the emotions which were already threatening to go on a rampage….  God, will I ever get to the place where I will stop being so needy?  At 53, I still need to grow up!  ~sigh~

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2 responses »

    • Morning, Ian. Thanks for stopping by. I should have probably put more down about yesterday’s class with Rodney Hogue. He was talking about the children, young men, and fathers referred to in 1 John 2:13. The children are always looking for provision, always receiving, and there’s a sense in which we always need to be children! But then there’s the young men, who have overcome the world and are out there doing things. I think the P word for that was power as in that’s what they’re going after (I’m going to have to check). For fathers the P word was Person, as in going after the heart of the Father. He had a really need PowerPoint on that one with a barrel and its three sections but then you had the slats of wood that went up and down. Some slats went up higher, some stayed down. Hard to describe but yes, you’re absolutely right. I received a prophecy recently that I was “Daddy’s Girl.” I think of Graham Cooke and how he talks about overcoming the enemy as a much-loved child.

      Getting ready to head out for day 2! Had an interesting night last night and some interesting thoughts. Perhaps I’ll get a chance to blog about it later….

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