Morbid morning thoughts

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I awoke this morning thinking about death but before I could get to the computer to write about it  I went downstairs to put some bacon on for my husband and get the coffee going.  Then I took a shower.  Now I forget most of what I was thinking.  But they weren’t bad thoughts.  Despite the blog post title death doesn’t scare me like it used to probably because as I become more alive spiritually I realize that the physical is just temporary and death is just a quick little blip on the radar.  Doesn’t mean I have no fear, though mostly that is along the lines of thoughts of possible physical pain involved and definite pain of leaving loved ones (for a time).  As I march closer the “front line” I watch people younger than me go down.  We’re not guaranteed a full eighty, and whatever we get it goes much too fast regardless.  So it’s probably some of those thoughts that are driving my desire to make these last years in my life count for all eternity.

A young friend posted something yesterday on Facebook that had me thinking:  What if today all you got was what you thanked God for yesterday?  I know I am very grateful for many things, but how often do I actually express that thanksgiving to God? I do remember thanking God for Jesus yesterday.  :)

In line with that teaching is some of what I gleaned yesterday at GSSM.  I don’t have time to get into it now (and this weekend’s not looking too good on the spare-time allotment either), but I was encouraged by what I learned.  It didn’t take long, though, for the battle to rage.  In fact, I was surprised at how quickly my hope got turned on its head.  During worship some of the 2nd years students prayed over me.  The first said she saw me at a banquet table filled with all kinds of food and there were many empty chairs around the table.  Jesus was at one end telling me (at the far end) to come up, that I was to take the seat of honor.  Come on, girl! was basically the gist of the prayer.  The second person said he saw Jesus clearer than he’d ever seen him in his life and that He had a sparkle in His eyes and He was laughing.  He said that I need to keep looking at Jesus and that He was pleased with me.  The third one went back to the table theme and said that it’s been placed in the presence of my enemies.  I don’t remember what else she said but I do remember that I was to become as a child.  So many people tell me that they see me as a child.  I could stand to be more childlike. :)

I wasn’t surprised by the table analogy.  I’ve been camping out in Song of Solomon and “He’s brought me to His banqueting table; His banner over me is love” came immediately to mind (as did Psalm 23 with the last prayer).  But I do remember when the first lady was speaking being desperate inside to find this table.  People who have “arrived” don’t quite understand the difficulty some have with “getting it.”  If I’ve said it before I’ve said it a hundred times:  My head is there; my heart is struggling.

Ron McIntosh laid out some good strategy yesterday, and I’ve come to realize that though it happens that way in some instances (usually where people are going to be used mightily by God) most times He doesn’t just “show up in a big way and deliver the whole package.”  For whatever reason I’m having to struggle through this.  Perhaps it has something to do with undoing the thirty plus years of bad theology.  I even wonder sometimes if all of that wrong thinking has somehow “tied God’s hands” so to speak.  There are rules of engagement in the spiritual realm, and to a certain extent I believe I’ve given the enemy a lot of ground over the years just by swallowing some of what I learned at church.

But it can be undone (in 21 days I’m told), so tonight I am hoping to take some time and draw up a plan of action.  I am going to write my own confession to build my faith and change my thinking.  The Bible is my mirror, and I will make adjustments based on what I see in it.  I am what the Word says I am regardless of how I feel about it.  So there :)

On that note, I’m getting ready to head to Global again.  Today is 11/11/11.  Perhaps this will be my transition day :)

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