I awoke early this morning in severe lumbar pain, probably caused by sleeping in a bad position (i.e., on my stomach). For the past few months it’s been getting worse. I suppose I should get it checked and will probably end up needing an MRI to confirm what I suspect–problems caused by arachnoiditis which I was diagnosed with a number of years ago. In fact, on my last MRI it showed a significant flattening of my spinal cord and thickening of the nerves that shoot out from it. The nature of the disease is such that it generally progresses and eventually leads to immobility. When I was diagnosed I went to the elders and asked to be anointed and prayed over as instructed in the Bible. I was. Three times. On the third I could literally feel some healing take place and from that point forward improved. Perhaps it’s a recurrence or something new. But whatever it is God is able to heal me if He wishes. I’m getting older and my body is beginning to show signs of wearing out!
The whole issue of faith and its part in healing is one that’s always fascinated me. I tend to be one who has plenty of faith for other people but when it comes to myself, do I really believe God will do something for me? That question alone shows that there’s something deep in me that’s not healed. I think we all have issues from our past that we must deal with at some point in our lives. But just as we can’t speed physical healing after an injury, it takes time to heal from emotional injuries as well. Forgiveness plays a huge part in healing of any kind.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Jesus’ words about little children, that “the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” What is it about children that causes them to trust so completely? And what happens when that trust is broken? If as a child there is pain and suffering, how do we relate to God as our Father? If a person has had to become a “survivor”, how does one learn to trust again? It’s a slow process, but it happens each time we take God at His word. He’s been challenging me with that, almost as if I can hear Him saying, “Just take Me at My word and see what happens.” Doubt is such a faith killer. And unbelief is powerful enough to stop God. That He respects the human will so much still amazes me. I wish He wouldn’t, but those are the “rules of engagement.”
It’s not unusual for me to take stock of my life this time of year. As the new year approaches I think about the past twelve months and the things I’ve learned. Though I don’t call them “resolutions”, I do try to set goals of one kind or another. January 1st of this year I began an intensive Bible reading program and have stuck with it long enough to begin to see some fruit. I plan on continuing that. I also want to accept the challenge to “take God at His word.” I’m not sure what that means or where it will lead, but I don’t need to know. Perhaps that’s part of learning to be a child again, giving up that need for control that’s governed most of my adult life. It’s mostly an illusion anyway, so what’s to lose?! Fear, for starters. I don’t want to be fearful, I want to be fearless!