Ambushed

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It’s been an interesting day, one of those “fragile days” where I’m a little off balance emotionally.  I usually blame hormones because it’s convenient to do so, though I don’t really know what makes for these types of days.  But I blog about it so that people who may be tempted to think I have my act together and my life runs smoothly works like a well-oiled machine can see that though I live by faith I have plenty of moments when I feel as if I’m flying blind, so to speak.

I’ve been struggling with the desire to quit work lately.  I don’t have to work and would rather devote my time to other things (like writing and projects around the house, and maybe getting involved in Bethesda Mission), but I think it would be a severe blow to my boss (who happens to be my pastor).  But I’m finding that my heart’s just not in to keeping “the machine” running.  (I blame it on the book “The Tangible Kingdom”, which rocked my world.)  The fallout from a church split coupled with added responsibilities since the administrator left make me want to fly the coop.  I want to do like John Piper is doing and take an eight-month sabbatical.  I think John Eldredge did that years ago, too, and talked about it in his book “Desire” which I just finished.  But I know that for me it would be running.  But would I be running from or running to?  I am so weary, so terribly weary of this world and its pain and heartbreak, the way it numbs my own heart to things that really matter, and how it distracts me from eternity which is somewhere in my heart.  Somewhere….

Today after I got home from work I decided to try and find an old photo.  I thought I knew where it was but ended up tearing my closet apart looking for it among one of several boxes of mementos and pictures.  In the process of looking for the photo (which I never found, btw) I discovered an old scrapbook which contained a folder from a play I was in.  Among the memorabilia I found a very sweet letter from the music director.  As I read it I dissolved into tears, and even now typing that makes my eyes well up again.  And I can’t for the life of me tell you why that happened.

I know that there are things I haven’t dealt with in my life.  For the longest time I felt as if I didn’t need to.  I mean, doesn’t Paul say “forgetting what lies behind, I press on….”???  I’ve never really felt a need to go back, but when I find that I am increasingly becoming ambushed by emotions I’m thinking things are not right and maybe it’s time to try to figure it out.  So now is when I sit back and wait.  Okay, God, you’ve got my attention.  Am I there yet?  Am I where I need to be to learn “the next thing”?   I know He’s up to something and I am glad.  I welcome change because I need it.

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2 responses »

  1. This is beautifully written and very moving– and honest. I used to have many people in my life who said to me that I needed to take care of myself, to love and nurture myself. Tearings up can come from unresolved grief, losses, just being overwhelmed by the burden of life; for me even when it was much stronger my faith didn’t rescue me from my mortality, the ebb and flow of life without and within. Some the memoirists say, write down what you think might be making you sad, worried, fearful– they call it an “agenda” draft– somewhat interesting, I think. It sounds to me that you are tired, and need to give yourself permission to take that break you refer to. more tomorrow….love, j

    • Thanks, Jenne. I’m supposed to be going away for a week in May. Depending on who goes with there may be some extended time to devote to trying to figure this out. For now, I feel like the kid with his finger in the dike. I’m not ready for the torrents that come, though I can feel the pressure building. Sooner or later, something’s gotta give. :)

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