Tuning out


I haven’t been very faithful about posting lately, and find that again I’m questioning why I’m doing this. Why keep an online journal? It feels an awful lot like self-promotion at times, and for someone who is in a constant battle with self, it’s a form of sabotage. Given enough time, I will inevitably post something which I look back on as, well, embarrassing, and so I’m tempted to take it down but won’t let myself because I want to be real. I already struggle with wanting to be accepted (doesn’t everyone?) and wanting to look good in people’s eyes (and what a snare that is).

Sometimes I am limited in sharing because of deference to others. Recently there have been some painful things happening in my extended family, but I can’t really write about them because that would be like betraying said family members, and I just don’t want to go there. How would they feel if they read it? Probably not so good. I think I see why many memoirs are written later in life, after most of the “parties involved” have passed away. I have no desire to bring more pain into the lives of loved ones who have suffered enough. Having confidences betrayed can be devastating.

A friend I email regularly told me recently that she enjoys the window on my life and that I’m one of the few happy people she knows. I’ve been thinking about that. I know that the majority of my happiness comes from the peace I’ve found with God and the joy He brings into my life. This is due, in large part, to the absence of fear. Okay, not total absence perhaps, but greatly reduced. I never realized that so many of the motivators in my life were fear-induced. As “perfect love casts out fear”, let’s just say that though far from perfect I am being perfected. If you walk long enough with the Lord He becomes more real to you each day. And He so wants to be involved in our lives. Anyway, I heard recently that all fear can be traced to a fear of death. I’m still mulling that one over, but it makes sense to me.

Another reason I have joy is because I am loved (and not just a little) by my husband. Once God got through to me that I could love Him through Kevin (and receive that love as well), our marriage became glorious. I start calling him at 5:00 every night because I want him to come home! That’s really not fair, because most times he has to work late (sometimes because he had a hard time leaving in the morning, lol). But I love being with him and know he feels the same way. What a blessing! “Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of lights….” Yes, his love is a gift. And for as long as that gift is here I’m going to revel in it.

So yeah, I’ve been tuning out a bit. The warmer weather brings more time outdoors (and more work around the house!). I find that I’m writing less even though I’ve been spending more time online. I wonder sometimes if I were to cut out the internet for a month what would happen. (And could I even do that?) Perhaps I should try it (or at least try scaling back more).


2 responses »

  1. Bravo– very honest post, showing us a bit more of you. You might find the SW memoir discussions helpful and illuminating because everyone is struggling with the same issues you raise here. Your walk with God shows, and is a beacon for those of us for whom bad experiences have raised questions. I am one of them and I did have my own, private Easter. You’re familiar with my feelings about the Church, what I call “churchianity”. Sharing your personal story of the experiences leading to your faith here would be wonderful and helpful. There’s also a spiritual group on SW where you could post these posts… Isn’t it amazing that there’s so much going on, so many things to come to terms with. Regarding my poem Insurrection I posted yesterday, better that I open my mouth and speak the truth as I see it than hide my wounds so that they continue to poison me…. love j

  2. Thanks, Jenne. I’ll think about putting up a “my testimony” type of post. Haven’t checked out the spiritual group on SW. I’m a little gun shy in that respect (I’ve had my share of “bad experiences” with the church, too). “Churchianity” is a dangerous thing. I understand what you’re saying about your poem. I believe it’s always good to speak the truth, but the truth is like a double-edged sword and I usually can’t wield it without cutting myself in the process! :) ~p

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