Disappointment isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it comes when we have unrealistic expectations. Or maybe they’re not necessarily unrealistic, but perhaps we’ve placed too much emphasis on them. It’s been a strange sort of day that way, leaving me to feel as if I’ve had the wind knocked out of me although nothing major has happened and no large, looming, recent regrets are weighing me down. Perhaps it’s the realization that I’ve failed in certain areas, especially as relates to raising my children. Then again you can be the best teacher in the world and if they fail to assimilate some of the lessons you’ve taught, is that always the teacher’s fault? Still, failure as a parent (even in small things) is a big deal. All the success in the world won’t make up for failure at home. But there are no perfect parents because there are no perfect people. I hope that it is enough that my boys know they’re loved, and that has covered a multitude of sins–mine and theirs.
I think I’ve sighed more today than I have in a long time and find myself in that state of profoundly dissatisfied contentment yet again. Always something my soul is yearning for, to both crave and fear love, to know as I’m known and all that. Kevin always helps to keep me grounded at times like this, but he’s away, and last night I was lonely and ended up reading and then lying on my bed and talking to God. I’d watched Jane Eyre earlier and wished I were as noble as she. I began to feel I was a pathetic child again. So I started to wonder how God really feels about me. I’ve been reading a book that’s an allegory of the Song of Solomon but can’t quite bring myself to believe I’m that bride it speaks of. Then a song started to play quietly in my mind and I had to smile as He broke into my world once again. It was Joe Cocker’s “You Are So Beautiful To Me.”