A while ago I wrote a poem dealing with “The Law of Undulation” as C.S. Lewis put it, and though that chapter of The Screwtape Letters gave me a lot of insight into how the normal cycles of life/mood/whatever affect my own well-being, it did little to change the fact that the swings still occur. I should hope in time that they won’t be so deep, that perhaps I’ll get some insight into “leveling things out” so to speak (and men have the edge on women there, being that they ride on such an even keel most of the time). The temptation of course is to blame hormones, change of life and all that rot. Yes, I know it’s a factor and do recognize when I’m awash in them, but I’m learning to “disconnect” during those times to a certain extent and function more logically (I hope).
Still, what troubles me the most is my fluctuation in going after God with all my heart. I have such a faithless heart at times while at others glory in the truth He’s been revealing and in watching Him move mountains. I realize there are still unresolved issues which have created blockages in being able to give and receive genuine love and to trust Him fully, but I’m not the physician, I’m the patient (who lacks patience, lol). Sometimes it’s merely a crisis brought on by the knowledge that if I truly believed (a), then (b) should be guiding my life/decisions/affairs. I don’t want to fool myself, something I did for a number of years.
I wrote a poem for a challenge I was asked to come up with and it’s just a short thing but was about one of those milestones in my life when I literally heard God speak. I need to have that happen more. God knows I’ve certainly got plenty of wrong views/opinions about too many things when what I desire is to see things through His eyes. So why doesn’t this kind of thing happen more often? Well, I remember that day, and how I was wrestling with a certain issue. Perhaps I don’t do enough wrestling. Jacob was a man who wrestled with God, and he certainly wasn’t what I’d call a saint. Neither was David, come to think of it. But he was a man after God’s own heart. I think it’s because he was “real” with God. I’d like to be as real with God (and others, too).