Ready for the new folder!

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It has taken me a few weeks, but I can honestly say I have “closed the old folder” now.  I am in awe of God’s grace and how faithful and kind He has been to me through this.  When you have that kind of grace poured out on you, it’s only natural that you turn around and do the same for others.  I have a fresh set of eyes on what went down, including why the counselor did what she did.  That doesn’t mean that I agree with it or even like (and that is actually irrelevant), but I have an understanding and with that comes the ability to put things to rest and close the folder so to speak.  Do I wish I could talk to Mary about what God has shown me?  Sure I do, but I am still getting a no from Him.  Perhaps someday I will be able to, but I am not pinning my hopes on someday because that may be in heaven!  It is in God’s hands, and I have a life to live and work to do.

I thought I’d post the pic of the lion in the clouds for you (that I mentioned in a previous post).  My apologies for the black border, I guess this was a screenshot of the original.  Anyway, some people see it immediately, and others get distracted by the mouth (which looks like a key, interestingly enough!).  It was just a random shot taken from the top of a mountain in Vermont three weeks ago, and I didn’t notice the lion until I was looking through my pictures that evening.  I had been asking God to be my defender, and I guess He was just letting me know that He heard me and was roaring on my behalf!

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I am packed and ready to go on a new adventure with God!  I leave for Alaska tomorrow.  And God is already filling up the blocks of time in my schedule that I was to go to North Carolina.  He truly does work everything together for my good because I am trusting Him, and I look forward to the beauty He brings from these ashes.

Deliverance, a dream, a blip, and 4:28

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Yesterday Kevin and I attended the funeral of the man leading the deliverance classes we were hoping to attend.  It was a glorious celebration of a believer’s life.  At one point they asked people in the audience to give one or two words that described him.  I said, “Fearless,” because he was.  He knew who he was in Christ and was a warrior!  He was also a husband, father, pastor and friend to many, and the church was packed with those who came to pay their respects.  Afterward Kevin and I did some shopping, but during that time and on the way home I became agitated in my spirit and realized I needed some deliverance, so I texted a friend and she and another friend met up with me on Zoom (a conferencing program).

I don’t know why the thought of deliverance is so scary to many Christians.  Perhaps they have watched too many shows like The Exorcist and Poltergeist.  I for one don’t want any kind of “darkness” attaching itself to me.  As it turns out, I did need some deliverance.  Holy Spirit is faithful to shine His light on areas that need cleansing or healing when you ask Him to.  It helps when you have seasoned ministers who come alongside.  As it turns out, I had a “fear bond” that needed to be repented of and broken.  I didn’t think one was there, but it was, and at the end of the prayer and commands the seer friend saw it go.  Though I can’t say I felt it go, she tells me that immediately after she saw that I started laughing.  There were other issues, too, and they will come out in time.

I went to bed hoping for a dream, and instead Kevin had one.  It was early morning and I could tell he was dreaming.  I had been awake and was talking and praying and felt as if I needed to get him to tell it to me.  He kept trying to go back to sleep and I wouldn’t let him.  He asked me to scratch his back and I said I would just as soon as he told me the dream, lol.  It took a few minutes but he finally shared it.  In the dream, Rev. Herritt (the man whose funeral we had just attended) showed up and gave him three handheld telescopes.  The big one was a couple feet long and like a kaleidoscope, but instead of the bits of color that moved around they were bits of people’s lives and it was like a collage.  He could see way back into a person’s family lineage with that one.  The other two were for closer viewing, seeing things in the now, and one showed the chains that were keeping people in bondage.  I thought that was a pretty cool dream!!!

I had a few dreams but all I remember of them was one blip in which I must have been looking in a mirror and the pupil of my right eye changed from round to a point at the top, like it was morphing into a cat eye.  I knew that wasn’t good.  Methinks another deliverance session is in order.  I have been asking God to bring every hidden thing to light.  Sometimes I don’t like what I see, but I don’t care, I want to see it and deal with it and get totally free!

At one point during my prayers I felt I was to glance at the clock and Google the time, so I did.  It was 4:28, and though Acts 4:28 wasn’t the first thing listed, I was led to click on one that had a commentary, and this is what it said:

They did what your power and will had decided beforehand should happen.”  

The great problem of the relation of the divine purpose to man’s free agency is stated (as before in Acts 1:16; Acts 2:23), without any attempt at a philosophical solution.  No such solution is indeed possible.  If we admit a Divine Will at all, manifesting itself in the government of the world, in the education of mankind, in the salvation of individual souls, we must follow the example of the Apostle, and hold both the facts of which consciousness and experience bear their witness, without seeking for a logical formula of reconciliation.  In every fact of history, no less than in the great fact of which St. Peter speaks, the will of each agent is free, and he stands or falls by the part he has taken in it; and yet the outcome of the whole works out some law of evolution, some “increasing purpose,” which we recognize as we look back on the course of the events, the actors in which were impelled by their own base or noble aims, their self-interest or their self-devotion.  As each man looks back on his own life he traces a sequence visiting him with a righteous retribution, and leading him, whether he obeyed the call, or resisted it, to a higher life, an education no less than a probation.  “Man proposes, God disposes.”  “God works in us, therefore we must work.”  Aphorisms such as these are the nearest approximation we can make to a practical, though not a theoretical, solution of the great mystery.

Lots to think about there!

P.S. to “Stuff”

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If you are a subscriber who gets what I write in an email, part of my last post went “missing.”  I’m not sure how it happened, but I updated the post, though you probably don’t get edits sent to you.  So, you missed the meat of the story about “Good, Good Father” and if you’re interested, it’s changed.  Interesting how the enemy messes with us.  He really doesn’t like when God gets the glory for anything!

Stuff

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How’s that for a title?  lol.  Lots of things I want to jot down or I’ll forget them.  First, I’ve had a couple of interesting dreams.  Last week I had one in which I woke up writing my father’s obituary.  I’m not about to share that with him, though it had the same “feel” of other dreams where I actually did the things I saw.  Also I had one in which my eldest grandson was telling me his mom was going to have another baby.  We shall see!  I have been dreaming a lot more, though still not remembering most of them (unless He brings it back like He did the other day).  Cool stuff is happening, though.

I met with a friend on Tuesday and we talked for hours, bringing each other up to speed with what’s going on in our lives.  I am hoping we can get together in the future to pray and minister together.  I have a lot to learn from her, and also have quite a bit of catching up to do.  The devil knows his time is short and there is work to be done.

Yesterday, as I was traveling back from visiting my mom I was just driving, thinking random thoughts, processing life, talking to God, etc.  As always there was music playing in my head and at some point I began to sing “Good, Good Father.”  It got to the point in the song, “I’ve seen many searching for answers only You provide….”  As I am singing that I am impressed to turn on the CD player and worship so I hit the power button and it picks up right where I am singing, “…’Cause you know just what we need before we say a word.”  Can anybody say, “We serve an awesome God?!!!”

This morning I was pondering pileated woodpeckers again and remembered that last year I had posted about seeing one so I went and found it.  It was aptly titled, “When I see His voice”, and it was good to read it again.   I saw one recently when I was at an all-time low and really needed to know He was near.  And He is so very near to each one of us!!!  May we all have “eyes to see” just how very close He is!

True North

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A front moved in overnight, and I suppose it’s still moving through because it is still very blustery. Wind gusts took power out for a while.  Out west there’s a dam about to break, and I ponder the significance of all of this.  Things don’t just happen to happen.  And as Kim Maas says, “If nothing changes, nothing changes.”  There are big changes coming, and all that has happened recently is part of the change.

Doug Addison’s word released recently hit home.  On January 3 he had a major encounter in which the Lord spoke to him that “over the next three weeks there would be some radical adjustments and changes coming for us all.”  That certainly proved to be true in my life!  So much of that post resounded in my spirit and helped me sort out and make sense of what went down.  It truly felt like a demotion, but “what appears to be a demotion on Earth is indeed a promotion in God’s eyes.”  He also said “The Lord is releasing deep and hidden things over the next month. He is going to reveal the plans of the enemy against you and bring them into the light.”  Yes, He has done that, and I am one looking forward to that “backlog of repayment and unanswered prayers” that’s coming.  I will receive “double for all my trouble.”

Last week I went to The Stirring at Global.  Paul Martini, Kayle Mumby, Richie Seltzer, and Kim Maas spoke.  Over the course of three days they broke things off of people, and each one at some point broke off “disqualification.”  I know that had been spoken over me in the past, that I was “disqualified from ministry” because of something done to me by a family member that caused me to break down and cry.  A lot.  Sound familiar?  It was like going around the mountain again (except ten times worse, lol) and because of it I was swallowing that same lie, but God wanted to make sure I got the message that I was not disqualified and addressed it.  He addressed other things as well, and I need to get the mp3s and listen to the sessions again (especially Kim’s).

One thing I have come to realize is that the closer you are to the Lord, the more weight those “little foxes that spoil the vine” carry.  Moses was kept out of the Promised Land because he struck the rock instead of speaking to it.  That seems like a ridiculous punishment for such a “small” thing, but it wasn’t.  Those to whom much is given, much is required.  I had the opportunity to become bitter and resentful toward the people who slandered me, and though I confess I “had my moments of anger” I didn’t let the sun go down on it.  Truly the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.  We don’t fight God’s battles with the devil’s weapons.  I have forgiven and moved on.  I know the enemy will bring things back and tempt me to become angry and bitter all over again, but I will resist him and he will flee from me!  I want to be able to say like Jesus did that the prince of this world is coming and “he has no claim on Me [no power over Me nor anything that he can use against Me].”  Don’t give the enemy even a toehold in your life!  Pursue holiness, without which no one will see the Lord.  I don’t know about you, but I want to see Him whom my soul loves.  I haven’t come this far just to come this far!

The kingdom of God suffers violence, and the adversary stirs up offense.  The world would say, “Defend yourself!  You have rights!”  But rights are privileges other people get to have.   God doesn’t take sides.  He is not left or right, He is true north, and that’s the direction I am headed.  I know He has something special planned for my time in Alaska!  It’s gonna be wild, it’s gonna be great, it’s gonna be full of Him!

 

Longing for down time

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Somehow, some way, I must slow down before God has to “make me lie down in green pastures” lol.  More running today, errands and meeting someone for lunch.  It was great catching up on each other’s lives, and in the end she prayed for me and started prophesying and said she saw me in a round house and I’m thinking what?  And then she said like a train round house, and you’re changing tracks.  Yep, that fits right in with what’s going on.  Anyway tomorrow is a “dad day”, which translated means a lot of driving and helping him with laundry, banking, grocery shopping, and hopefully getting him new glasses.  I wish I could just stay home because I’m still trying to catch up on things from being away last week!  And there is a conference starting Thursday night at Global.  Hope to make as much of that as I can.

Yesterday morning I went down to “my room” and was praying and asking God to forgive me for something and He impressed upon me that I needed to ask forgiveness to Mary and another lady for some things I said and did while we were away.  So I came upstairs immediately and did just that, dropping them a note, and both were gracious and forgave me.  I honestly believe if I would have handled things better, things may have gone much differently.  I know that’s “magical thinking” (“if only” stuff).  I know now that that incredible peace He gave me the day we left for Georgia was the “calm before the storm.”  To the degree that I experienced a magnified peace, I experienced a magnified storm that blew in like a tornado, the kind where little splinters can go through telephone poles.  Its fury was unlike anything I have ever experienced.  And as hard as I tried I couldn’t “get a grip” and stop crying.

I got to thinking about other times when I’ve had these types of things happen and I’ve discovered that each one involved a type of “exposure” and being shamed in some way, either by a counselor or pastor or someone in spiritual authority.  I have also come to understand that “fear of exposure” is a big issue for me.  I know Jesus is going to have to take me to the root of that and trust that He will.  He’s certainly been putting His finger on a lot lately.  I’m not complaining though!  This is part of the answer to the prayer, “The depths of me for the depths of You, God!”  Oh, and the everything-hidden-come-to-light one too.  Pray them, I dare you ;)

I did take a step yesterday that helped me “close the file” on this chapter, and that was to write a letter.  I had actually been resisting the urge for over a week, and I’m glad I waited, because the “sting” was gone in my heart when I wrote it, so I believe there was none received on the other end.  At least I hope, because I know that I must never allow myself to be provoked again (because love is not provoked) and/or say things that hurt another.  The flesh may want it at times, but my flesh ain’t the boss of me.  I am thankful God never gives up on me, even when I give up on myself.  He will bring this work in me to completion in Christ.  Confirmed to His image, that’s what I want!  And I will have what I say!

He is enough

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It was good to get away to Vermont for a week.  We had a great time of skiing with our snowboarding son.  I fell on Thursday and my ski didn’t come off so I wrenched my knee a bit and that was actually a good thing because Kevin and Matt got to hit the slopes without me on Friday (meaning they got to take a lot of black diamond runs, the ones I don’t do, lol).  I dropped them off at Okemo and went into town to pass the time.  The first stop was at “Sweet Surrender” (I liked the name :), a great little bakery on the main drag.  I struck up a conversation with a local artist who came in, and before I left she let me pray for her, which was cool.  Typing this reminds me that I need to send her a link to Kayle Mumby’s story (I was telling her about the owl landing on his head, lol).  Hopefully I can find it on YouTube or something.

One night last week the Lord woke me up to text my friend in Alaska.  I knew she was planning on booking tickets for a visit, and it turns out she was trying to do just that but needed some info.  He is faithful!  This trip will be the same week that my husband is skiing in Colorado with her husband.  I am so looking forward to this new adventure and I can’t wait to see her!  She is planning things to do already, and I am sure we’ll pack a lot into the week we are together.  I am praying “Do it again, Lord!” with respect to the Northern Lights.  He put on quite a show for me the last time I was there!  I was talking to Kevin about it when he woke up the next morning and said something about calling a friend to see if she would take me to the airport and within five or ten minutes that friend (who I don’t hear from often) texted me.  I love when God does that, confirms something in these “little” ways.  Oh, and I took a “random” picture of the mountain and sky on Thursday and when I got back to our place and looked at it, there in the sky is a lion roaring!  He is so for me it’s crazy :)

Speaking of God, He gave me a dream yesterday morning.  I was having all sorts of weird dreams, but among them was one of His.  I didn’t remember it actually because I’d had so many and they all faded when I woke up.  Anyway, Kevin and I were still in bed talking about the previous week when I made a comment to him about the fact that I didn’t think a particular person was “the cat’s meow.” At that moment God brought the dream back like a “whoosh.”  Here it is:  I went to pet a cat and it bit me in the right wrist.  I grabbed it by the back of its neck and pulled it off, held it in the air and I think I cast a demon out of it or said something and then declared that it would never bite me again and threw it down.  People wanted to put a bandage on my wound but I said not to cover it up until an antibiotic was applied or it would just fester.  I looked up the meanings of cat (domestic) and it said “Vicious attack” and “witchcraft” and wrist said “Relationship, particularly within the body of Christ.”  As it was the right wrist I looked up right and there were many meanings (actually there were for all of them but I gave what jumped out at me, which were the first ones listed).  Anyway “right” stands for strength, faith, spirit, blessed, or righteous direction.

What happened recently was definitely an attack on my relationship with Mary.  Sadly, the enemy succeeded in bringing separation.  I think of that verse that “a perverse man spreads strife, and a slanderer separates intimate friends.”  God has been revealing to me a little bit more every day about how this went down.  Does it grieve me?  Yes, more than I can say, especially because I was so open and vulnerable to the very ones who turned and bit me.  But it was a Holy Spirit setup, complete with an uncommon amount of peace going into it.  He confirmed His presence as it was going down, and continues to in many ways.  He “sent a train” and it’ll take some time to sort through the wreckage, but He is in this for my good (and Mary’s as well I am sure).  I pray for her and Rich every day.

Mary told me a story once about going through a crisis and how her son sang over her as she cried.  I was feeling sorry for myself a few days ago that there I had been, hundreds of miles from home, going through my own crisis and had no one to sing over me.  The Lord woke me at 3:17 the next morning and you know what’s coming, lol.  Zephaniah 3:17:  “The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.  He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”  I know the rebuke, but He chastens those He loves.  It is never pleasant, but the “peaceable fruit of righteousness” is so worth it.

This morning I awoke at 2:55.  Psalm 25:5, “Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.”  My soul hopes in the Lord.  Time to go spend time in His presence and let Him apply the balm of Gilead to that wound.  He is my healer, and He is enough.